Rick and Chaos
by TheIdioticGuy
Summary: Percy is having a good time. War's over, his friends are alive, his girlfriend's as beautiful as always. It is as if nothing's gonna go wrong! Then he is kidnapped by two gods. He just have to jinx it!


"What the fuck?!"

The blindfold finally came off, as did the bindings around his legs and arms. Percy surveyed his surroundings.

This place was familiar… was this by any chance… New York? What the hell was he doing in a café?

"Yo." Two voices said, an obvious trace of mischief in their tone.

Percy twitched at the two teens sitting opposite to him across, both seemed not older than twenty and acted no older than fifteen.

The two kidnappers grinned at the son of Poseidon.

It went something like this.

* * *

 _Percy blushed as he walked away from the camp shop. Connor and Travis were laughing like maniacs. Percy quickened his pace to escape his embarrassment._

 _His hand tightened around the condom he just bought moments ago._

 _He was pretty sure his dad would not approve of this, neither would Athena. But if there's one thing he learned being a demigod for almost a decade, it was never to defy Aphrodite._

 _He shuddered at the thought that one time Aphrodite switched gender together between him and Annabeth. It was not fun, not fun at all._

 _Besides, he would like to move their relationship to the next level._

 _He entered his cabin and frowned, window's open, something's not right…_

 _Just in time for a bag to cover his head._

 _Percy screamed, releasing his condom to reach up to tear the bag off._

 _Rope suddenly tightened around his wrist and around his ankle. A sudden kick at his shin caused him to lost balance and fell like a log._

" _Ouch!" He yelped when his head cracked hard against the wooden floor of the cabin._

" _Quick! Give him your fart!" What?!_

" _It's knock-out gas! You idiot!"_

 _That was the last thought Percy made when the smell hit him._

* * *

Percy shot up and dug his hand into his pocket for his Riptide. He pulled out the cap of the pen and it transformed into a bundle of… flowers.

"What the actual fuck."

"Let's talk like civil people, shall we?" the teen with brown hair cackled.

"I'm Chaos."

"I'm Rick."

"…."

"I'm sorry. What?!"

"I'm Chaos, and he's—"

"I know that!" Percy snapped, trying to ignore the headache blossoming from his head, "Chaos? As in the Primordial god?"

"Ohh! He knows me! I told you he's brain was not made all out of seaweed, Rick!" the teen with brown gasped.

"And you… I have no idea who you are."

"What!" the boy with ridiculous pink hair cried, "what kind of sick joke is this! I'm Rick! Rick Riordan! Ring any bells? I may not be as well-known as Chaos! But I'm pretty sure you'd at least heard of me!"

"Nope, doesn't ring any bells."

"Blasted! I'll smite Zeus myself!" the teen cried, pointing a finger at the heavens and a bolt of red lightning shot up and disappeared into the clouds. An instant later the thundered boomed as if in pain.

"What did you do?" Percy panicked. He wasn't planning to die a virgin! Chaos sniggered.

"I just gave the dude a friendly slap in the ass, no big deal."

"…"

"…I'm speechless."

"That often happens to people whenever they were overwhelmed by my awesomeness."

"Or stupidity," Chaos added.

"Oh, piss off."

Percy watched as his two kidnappers bickered. Then he was reminded that it was the two's fault that he had missed his wonderful night with his girlfriend.

"Wait! Shut the hell up for a moment! You two still haven't explain why in gods' name you kidnapped me." The two deities turned to look at the demigod with no little amusement.

"Duh, cuz your's Percy Jackson."

"That still doesn't explain a damn thing."

"Well junior, you see, out of all the timelines we've created, Percy Jackson is always the star, the savior of Olympus and defeater of Gaia."

"The alternative universe, as you people call them, is a completely opposite world that would make no sense to you. There's that one universe where Zeus is actually the loyal husband while Hera is actually the whore. Another completely different universe is where Zeus is actually the bad guy, and Kronos was actually the good guy who love humanity like his children to a point he molests them."

"Oh oh! And there's that one universe!" Rick burst out laughing, attracting attention from nearby tables, "there- there's this one time where Ze-Zeus and Poseidon and Hades were having a hardcore threesome! Turns out that they are gay! They actually set a law where only bisexual marriages are only allowed! HA!"

"Ahh, good times." Chaos chuckled, cheeks slightly flushed at the memory.

Percy on the other hand turned blue.

"I think I'm gonna puke."

"Suck it up, you big baby." Rick snickered, "Anyway. Despite all that, Percy Jackson always stood out in the spotlight. We realllllly wanted to meet this guy, but every time we try to approach him he would try and shove his sword into us."

"Dude, that sounded soooo wroooong."

"It isn't entirely wrong. You're the one with the creative imaginations, deal with it." The teen shrugged, "back to the topic, we hopped through many dimensions, and finally, we landed in this one, where this Percy is actually heterosexual and is not trying to shove his big-ass sword into us."

"Wait a second! What did you say?!"

"Oh! Did I forget to mention it? The Percy Jackson in the other dimensions are gay. And literally, he actually manages to build a harem consist of only guys! Dude! That's so messed up!"

"Please, don't remind me of that. That one time he tries to invite _me_ to bed…" Rick shuddered, "I actually wanted to throw up just thinking that one. The mental image, though."

"… Please, just stop." Percy.

"Ops, I digressed," Chaos rubbed his head, "as I was saying, we finally find a Percy Jackson who is normal. It only took us a whole century of dimension hopping. But at least we did it!"

"Hurray!" Rick yelled, startling the customers around him.

"… I'm just gonna leave before I lost my sanity." Percy moved to stand up, but he found his ass glued to the chair, "Seriously?"

"You aren't leaving anytime soon, young man." Rick grinned, his pink hair swaying as he bobbed his head, "we never needed to work so much for a mere mortal."

"Yep! But you ain't just any mere mortal. You're a mix between an Asgardian, Egyptian, Greek and Roman demigod!"

"…" Percy blinked, mouth agape.

"I think you broke him."

"No I didn't," Chaos replied and raised his fork. With one swift movement he stabbed Percy's hand.

"OW! WHAT THE FUCK! YOU NUTS?"

"I think that's pretty obvious."

"Oh shush you."

"I CAN SEE THE BONES!"

"Savage~"

"Here here." Chaos waved his hand and the wound closed, "better? You poor baby." Percy glared.

"What do you mean I'm not just Greek!"

"Your family line is pretty screwed up as well. Your mother's mother was Sif, the Asgardian goddess of war, and your mother's grandpa was Loki, the Asgardian god of Mischieve."

"He's my favorite god," Rick interjected.

"And your great great great grandpa is Anubis, the god of the afterlife."

"Anubis? The god with the dog face?"

The two deities froze. For a moment Percy thought he said something wrong. But then they doubled over laughing.

"Anubis! the god with the dog face! Good one!"

"Am I wrong?"

"No no! you are indeed right Percy. Back in that time humans being banged by dogs were a pretty okay thing! Hahaha!"

"Oh for the love of- Wait a sec! That means I'm related to dogs! What the hell!" The two gods laughed even harder, "stop laughing! It's not funny! It's disastrous!"

"For someone related to dogs you're pretty smart to know the word disastrous!"

"OI! Stop making fun of me!"

"You know Percy, you're a pretty hilarious kid, or pup."

"That's a very lame joke."

"You've got to appreciate a lame joke once in a while." Rick picked his ear, "man your funny. I like you a lot."

"Well, I don't."

"Don't be that guy, I hadn't had this much fun for like… eternity. And I'd hate it if you die, but well, you know, the Fates are pretty easy to persuade, we can always bring you back."

"They suck at poker."

"Yep, they are super sore losers."

"The last time I got a Royal Flush they were bitching like crazy. Serious, they can never handle a lose."

"Ma… What do you expect, they're old ladies. And they're never happy with the job they were given."

"um…"

"Oh! Silly me! Digressed again!" Rick giggled. This guy was plain weird.

"Anyways, we rather you not die. So for the upcoming fights, you best equipped with this."

Chaos snapped his fingers and an object appeared in his hands.

"… You serious? A plastic sword?"

"OI! Never diss the legendary floppy sword! You have absolutely no idea how much it helped me achieve countless victories in my past battles!" Chaos hissed at Percy, who nodded blankly

"Jeez, teenagers these days… zero patients." Chaos mumbled as he balanced the sword in two hands, completely ignoring the openly staring crowd as he stood, "I, the deity of awesomeness, do deem thy worthy to wield the sword of promised victory. Come forth, and receive Asinorum Tunde. For millenniums, it had served me right. Henceforth, wield Asinorum Tunde, as it shalt assist thy smite assholes and douchebags to death. Take now, Asinorum Tunde, and remember thy duty."

Solemnly, Chaos finished his vow and passed the sword to Percy.

"Oh oh oh! I have a gift too!" Rick jumped from his seat, he fished out an object from his pocket and imitated Chaos' pose. He cleared his throat dramatically.

"Though I speak now, this is from I, the bringer of love and entertainment. Thy has been given a blade with which to slap down thy foes. And now I give unto thee a holy protection by which to ensure thy sperm shalt be passed down. Thy descendant shalt not to be extinct and shalt carry on forever and ever."

Finally, Rick opened his fist, and Percy resisted a powerful urge to faint from embarrassment, "It's dangerous to go alone— take these."

Percy reached over and grabbed the shining box of condoms from the extended hand.

"…I… I am truly honored." He forced his words out, "what is this?"

"Oh! You know, if by any chance you really die and the Fates refuses to bring you back. It's best if the world can have more of your kind of hilarious people. If you die, I'll raise your children!"

"…And exactly how, would I be able to make women pregnant with _protection?_ "

Chaos sighed as if disappointed, "I swear, people's growing stupid." He plucked the shiny box out of Percy's hand, "this, kid, is something Rick and I invented. We thought it was hilarious to swamp this with normal boxes of condoms in this one world to end up increasing the whole world population by more than a half. You know, to give the humans a push to hurry up and move to Mars. Meh, it seemed that the condoms are a bit tooooo effective, they all die of hunger in one year."

"100% guarantee pregnancy, approved by more than millions of companies and scientists."

Percy sputtered as Chaos stuffed the box into his pocket, "there! You should be grateful for the gifts."

The son of Poseidon raised the plastic sword, Asinorum Tunde as it was called, incredulously, "how is this supposed to help me defeat gods?"

"Simple! You slap them with it! Preferably in the ass for extra effects."

"Looks could be deceiving." Chaos nodded.

Percy looked at the two gods, sanity slowly slipping.

"You know, it's fun to talk with someone like you! We should do this more often."

"Yea! Let's!"

"Let's not…"

* * *

 **If anyone doesn't know what Asinorum Tunde means, search it on Google Translate. LOL**


End file.
